There’s been a lot of buzz lately about online bashing and bullying, specifically regarding military families, with scenes playing out on Facebook and other social media websites. Spouses and family members, including children, are tagged and labeled with the term “dependapotamus” – a nasty word for a completely stereotypical military dependent who doesn’t work, wears her spouse’s rank and lays around all day milking the government for all its lavish benefits. And it turns out that most of the online aggressors are military spouses and service members.

Really?

I admit when I first heard about this phenomenon I was skeptical that people had enough time to sit around and manage a Facebook page or Reddit account, post comments and screenshots of military family members and let the trolls do their thing. I had heard the stories and read articles about online abuse but didn’t have any idea how bad it actually was – until I spent about an hour on Reddit. I was stunned.

The language was beyond hateful and vitriolic. I don’t dare quote any of the posts or give the haters any more play than they’ve already received. And don’t even get me started on the atrocious grammar, punctuation and spelling used. Many of the commenters need to head right back to fifth grade for a good old-school sentence diagram lesson. But beyond just using appropriate subject-verb agreement, this idea that military spouses are bashing one another and their family members seemingly without consequences is frightening. I did read that one branch of the military is working on a policy regarding online conduct, but it still begs the questions: are we teaching our children about the power of online anonymity? Can we, as a military population, lead the charge so perhaps the next generation of Internet users behaves more thoughtfully? Shouldn’t military spouses and service members hold themselves to a higher standard even – no, especially when no one is looking and teach our children this same lesson?

As a writer for several organizations, I’ve been subject to some awful comments in the space below my articles. One guy called a piece I wrote about sequestration, military pay and benefits a “chicken-little fluff piece.” Tame, but really necessary? Thankfully, another commenter (a USMC veteran) came to my defense. Of course I realize that the original poster (who did not attach his real name to his remark) is entitled to his opinion, but I wonder if he could have said his comment to me in person.

My daughters are on the cusp of technology becoming a daily part of their lives. So far, I work hard to limit their use of electronics. When they do want to read articles online, enter debates and discussions and share updates, we’ll have to have a serious conversation about what’s appropriate to share, what constitutes a smart comment, when to wait and think about a comment before just tap-tap-tapping away at the keyboard and when to just say nothing at all. I don’t ever want my children to cloak themselves in anonymity simply to be mean.

And for goodness sake, if they choose to make their voices heard, they had better use “their” and “there” correctly!

Molly Blake is a freelance writer. Her husband recently retired after serving 20 years in the United States Marine Corps. She attended the University of Dayton and writes about issues affecting military families and other parenting issues. Follow her on twitter @mblakewrites.

The post The Modern Military Parent appeared first on Dayton Parent Magazine.

This week, I played The Card. And if you are a modern military spouse, then you undoubtedly have possession of this card and can wield it with the deftness of a ninja warrior.

The card is of course the one that reads: “I did this all alone when you were deployed and now it’s your turn.”

This week is my daughter’s graduation from elementary school. There’s a class pool party, the art show for my other daughter, music instrument return deadlines, library book hunting, orthodontist appointments, my work deadlines, summer camp organization, summer travel planning, kung fu white belt awards and grocery shopping for the final few school lunches. And I have a terrible cold. I know, these are “first world problems.” But in addition to all this, my husband, who just returned from an extended international business trip, was feeling jet lagged and tired and cranky and wasn’t engaging. So I played the card.

“I did this all alone when you were gone and I need you to help me now,” I said.

Yes, my husband hasn’t been deployed in a while and no, he isn’t deploying any time soon but every once in a while I bring the card out in exchange for a bit more help from him. Selfish? Yes. Childish? Slightly. Effective? Definitely.

As you know, it’s the military spouse who earns more frequent parenting miles than the service member. Factor in the number and tempo of deployments, along with training events, and there’s just no way around that fact. Military folks are gone a lot and the spouse is left to do it all, mostly alone. Every once in a while we need to call in those frequent miles in exchange for some help from our spouse. I feel only slightly guilty using the card because I know my husband doesn’t check out intentionally. He hates missing out on kung fu white belt award ceremonies, kid art shows and classroom field trips. But at the end of the day, I wield it only as a catalyst because once he realizes he’s distracted and sidetracked with work, he always drops what he’s doing and jumps in to help. As I lay in bed coughing, I could hear him reading The Candy Shop War to my youngest and later talking to our oldest about entering middle school. The card works, so milspouse friends, don’t be afraid to slap it down every once in a while.

And if that card is ever over-played, I’ve got one more left in my arsenal. It reads: “I had a baby all alone while you were in Iraq.”

Molly Blake is a freelance writer. Her husband recently retired after serving 20 years in the United States Marine Corps. She attended the University of Dayton and writes about issues affecting military families and other parenting issues. Follow her on twitter @mblakewrites.

The post The Modern Military Parent appeared first on Dayton Parent Magazine.

My husband has a crazy work schedule. He’s up at O dark thirty, goes to the gym and then off to work. He doesn’t return, most nights, until late. For the most part, I can deal with this lifestyle as my neighbors are always game for a glass of wine in the evening while the kids burn off some energy. But lately he’s also traveling a lot, in and out of various countries and states. Sometimes he goes for a few days and sometimes it’s for two weeks. I work from home and my girls are involved in sports and after-school activities. Life is full.

Here’s the thing I’ve come to realize. In my humble opinion, my girls and I are able to deal much better with my husband’s absence when he is gone for long stretches of time. From a parenting perspective, deployments have their advantages. Here’s why.

The last time my husband deployed, we spent a few weeks getting ready for his time away. All the honey-do tasks were completed. The vegetable garden was planted, the backyard sprinklers all functioned, light bulbs were changed and the cars were in good shape. He spent lots of quality time with the girls playing at the park, riding bikes and reading Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Even the girls’ teachers were aware that he was leaving and they paid special attention to my daughters during this time, watching for signs of stress or concern. It was a team effort and we were ready. When it came time for him to deploy, the girls and I were set. He was gone for six months and we made it through without a hitch. We missed him, of course, but we had fun events scheduled throughout the time he was gone and there were lots of other families going through the same thing. There were other kids my girls could commiserate with, teachers and family members were well aware of my husband’s absence and everyone made sure to check in on us.

Now with my husband’s shorter trips, it’s less of an “it takes a village” mentality and more like every man for himself!  During his most recent trip the garage door opener broke, the oven crapped out, my daughter ended up at urgent care with a forehead cut that needed glue and my car’s air conditioner died.

“When is daddy going on his next trip?” asked my 10-year-old recently. I didn’t know the answer. Even if I did, his visits to Japan and St. Louis have often changed at the last minute. And when he finally does get a trip set, it’s a whirlwind of preparation – a far cry from the strategic deployment planning I was once so good at.

The upsides? He’s accumulating airline miles and there’s a good chance the girls and I can tag along on an upcoming trip. In the meantime however, it’s clear I need to make some changes.  I need to get better at rolling with his fickle schedule and helping my girls understand why their dad has to travel. I find myself playing catch up rather than trying to get ahead by planning meals, mini adventures to keep us busy and keeping our village (teachers, friends and family) up to date so they can jump in and help.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m thankful my spouse isn’t deploying and in harm’s way. And I’m extremely thankful for the men and women on our front lines and their families back home. Perhaps I took my military village for granted. My husband is still an inactive ready reservist, by the way. Let’s hope the military doesn’t settle the score.

Molly Blake is a freelance writer. Her husband recently retired after serving 20 years in the United States Marine Corps. She attended the University of Dayton and writes about issues affecting military families and other parenting issues. Follow her on twitter @mblakewrites.

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Tis the season of orders! It feels like we all just finished unpacking that final box and hanging that last picture but many military families will soon or have already received word that they will be moving to a new duty station in the coming months. It might be a dream spot, like Italy or Florida. Or it might be a place you’ve never imagined living. But that’s part of the military adventure, right?

Once the orders are written, and you’ve notified the masses on Facebook, it’s time to start house hunting. Whether you are renting, buying or moving on base, relocating into new digs takes some detective work. Here are a few tips to watch for when searching for a home.
Check out militarybyowner.com. This is the premiere source for all sorts of rental and sales options including homes, condos and apartments, all near military bases. Photos and video tours are included in the ads as well as relevant contact information.

If you have the chance, visit the house in person. Download the militarybyowner app. It comes in handy when tooling around searching various streets for listings.
Don’t be fooled by room descriptions that include words like “quaint” or “funky.” Those can be pseudonyms for “small” and “awkward.”

Take note of high-end touches like a built-in wine cooler, upgraded pendant dining room lights or heated bathroom floors. It shows the homeowner or builder spent time on desirable improvements.

Research the recycling rules in your new zip code. Is there a good place to put compost bins and recycling receptacles? If it’s a rental, consider asking the landlord to install roll-out bins for waste.

Do your homework. Websites like Militarytownadvisor.com are flush with honest reviews of subdivisions, their proximity to schools and even whether it’s kid friendly. For example, here is one detailed review written by a reader: “This is a very social neighborhood. It is located downtown within walking distance to restaurants, bars, shopping etc. It has a children’s play park and a large gathering green for social events. During the summer, the neighborhood has potluck dinners and wine parties. Also, during the holiday season, the neighborhood has an open house. Buy lots of candy for Halloween!”

If you are planning to buy a home, take your time. Buying real estate on impulse is a recipe for disaster. Talk with real estate agents and your financial planner to make sure you can afford the home. What will your mortgage payment cost each month? What happens if you have to move in a year? Will you recoup the costs if you have to sell? Do you want to hang onto the home and rent it out? Real estate can be a tricky investment so make sure it’s the right time for you.

Don’t be shy and ask for help. Reach out to your networks and ask around about places to live near your new base. When my husband and I moved to Northern Virginia, I didn’t know a soul there. We were off-schedule from most of our peers so while they were going to the fleet, we were on our way to fly a desk at the Pentagon. A friend connected me to a friend via email. I’d never met the woman, but she answered tons of questions about the area. She even arranged for the house we bought to be cleaned before we moved in.
Most importantly, keep an open mind. While your next place may not be your dream home, you’ll still create tons of memories – even in a charming historic home that in actuality, was cramped and boxy, had creaky steps, a spooky dungeon-like basement and a bathroom in the kitchen.

Molly Blake is a freelance writer. Her husband recently retired after serving 20 years in the United States Marine Corps. She attended the University of Dayton and writes about issues affecting military families and other parenting issues. Follow her on twitter @mblakewrites.

The post The Modern Military Parent appeared first on Dayton Parent Magazine.

In a rather frightening bulletin issued jointly by the FBI and The Department of Homeland Security, U.S. military members were urged to rid their social media profiles and online presence of personal information or anything that might pique the attention of violent extremists.

Why this advice and why now? The good folks at the FBI are concerned that ISIS, the Islamic militant group seizing control of land in Iraq and Syria, are tracking U.S. soldiers and possibly their families based on their social media posts. Then once a target is identified, ISIS operatives contact U.S. based violent extremists to carry out attacks on unsuspecting soldiers. This is not a joke.

We often roll our eyes at OPSEC or operational security. As a senior officer spouse, I would remind our squadron family members to take caution when posting on social media, especially in the weeks and months leading up to a deployment. And then, like clockwork, Facebook pages lit up with teary goodbyes when our service members left. And to be honest, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that there’s a lovely military spouse home – alone. But while the threats then were more about burglaries and scams, this notice is far more serious.

Here are some tips that will help keep you and your family safe.
Check your privacy settings on your social media accounts and make sure they are set to the highest, most secure setting. Even if you just checked, check again as companies change their codes and algorithms often and it may affect your security settings. For example, if you are tagged in an inappropriate photo that violates OPSEC, go back and check the box that requires approval for tagged photos to appear online.

Don’t post on social media about work-related information.

Keep any and all of your opinions about any military-related activity or your views of extremism off social media, chat rooms, blogs or any Internet sites!

Steer clear of posting about deployment departure and homecoming dates. Our service members are very vulnerable when traveling en masse so keep that in mind. And cryptic posts like “I’ll be the happiest Marine wife around in just 36 hours” are really not as ambiguous as you think.

Change your passwords regularly. We hear it all the time and I bet most of your passwords are some variation of the same thing. Research password manager software, like LastPass and Dashlane. Then spend an hour or two installing it on all your devices.

Do you accept all LinkedIn and friend requests? I don’t and you shouldn’t either. Amassing hundreds of casual contacts isn’t safe especially if you’re a serial over-sharer. And wasting time plowing through an endless Facebook feed is just not a good use of time.

And while you are at it, clean up your online profile and get rid of any racy posts and pictures. Keep in mind that 94 percent of recruiters are already or plan to utilize social networks to find employees so if you are going to start looking for a job anytime soon, it’s best to be spic and span. If you wouldn’t want your mother to see it, it probably shouldn’t be online.
It’s hard not to share those precious military moments, like deployments and homecoming. We should be proud of what we are doing as spouses and family members. But putting yourself at risk or your family isn’t worth it. Definitely snap a picture at the homecoming but instead of posting it online, hang it where all important photos should reside. On the refrigerator.

Molly Blake is a freelance writer. Her husband recently retired after serving 20 years in the United States Marine Corps. She attended the University of Dayton and writes about issues affecting military families and other parenting issues. Follow her on twitter @mblakewrites.

The post The Modern Military Parent appeared first on Dayton Parent Magazine.

If your spouse is like mine, he or she never takes vacation. In fact, at one point my husband built up more than 100 days of leave. That’s a ton of days where I could have been lying on a beach or hiking or skiing or even sleeping in for a staycation.

But around the holidays, steering clear of base for a few days is actually expected. The problem is that we’ve never been stationed anywhere near either of our families. With deployments, TDY and extended trainings, the holidays were the only chance we had for a vacation – and that meant going to see family.

I’m not complaining. My brothers-in-law, known by my daughters as ‘the uncs,” are thoughtful and attentive and my parents waste no time sneaking candy to my girls. But we only recently realized that, after more than a decade of marriage, we – meaning my husband and my two daughters and I – have taken exactly two family vacations.

Sound familiar? It’s yet another balancing act that military families face but one that can be amended, with a bit of delicacy and tact.
Start by educating family members. Often times, in-laws, siblings, aunts and uncles truly don’t understand how military life operates. Take the time to talk about your spouses’ daily schedule, how often you attend mandatory events and how little time you spend alone, as a family.

Explain how pending deployments or long-term trainings work. Long before the actual farewell, the stress of deployment seeps into your home like mist. And for a few weeks after your Marine or Airman returns, home life can be tricky. Be sure to communicate this situation to family members.

Suggest a time frame for family to visit you. Military bases are full of rich history, so why not share some of it with them. Have your service member tour folks around base and point out historical aircraft or sites. Be specific about dates to visit too, so no one overstays their welcome. This will give you time to spend a portion of holiday leave on your own terms.

If it’s too late to change holiday plans this year, then why not plant the seed for next year? Casually mention that you are looking forward to next year’s holiday at home or that you are saving up for a family vacation.
If it’s not too late for this year, then take advantage of the situation and start planning a family vacation now! Happy Holidays!

The post The Modern Military Parent appeared first on Dayton Parent Magazine.

Each November, the President signs a proclamation declaring November as the time to honor and recognize our nation’s military families. In 2013, President Obama said, “during Military Family Month, we celebrate the families who make daily sacrifices to keep our Nation whole, and we remember a most sacred obligation – to serve them as well as they serve us.”

Personally, I’m well aware of the daily sacrifices that all military families make to keep our nation whole. The grease-stained flight suits, the deployments, the moving. So how do I honor myself? How and why would I celebrate my own membership to this club? November is also the month when we celebrate Veteran’s Day, an official U.S. holiday originally called Armistice Day, designed to celebrate our veterans. But I’m not a veteran either. Okay, so now what?

If November is Military Family Month, why not use this chance to help civilians understand what life is like for military families and veterans. Here are some ideas:

• Check with your children’s teachers and offer to come in and share a military related lesson. For instance, you or your spouse can bring in uniforms, flight helmets or patches and explain the significance of the unit insignia.
• Offer to read military-themed books during library time or in class. My personal favorite is Nubs, The True Story of a Mutt, a Marine, and a Miracle by Brian Dennis. Kids in kindergarten through 2nd or 3rd grade will enjoy the sweet tale of a wild pooch who found a home with a big, tough Marine. Teachers can wrap in a lesson on letter writing – and kids can mail Nubs a letter thanking him for his service.
• Night Catch by Brenda Ehrmantraut is a lovely story that helps kids understand that despite a parent or loved one’s physical absence, staying connected isn’t impossible. It’s another book that you or your spouse can read at school or at home. Again, chat with the teacher about a related lesson plan.
• Offer to talk about Veteran’s Day at a local high school. The History Channel has a unique program called “Take a Veteran to School.” It’s important to remember that 99% of our nation does not serve in the military and they have only a tangential connection, at best, to someone who does. There’s an entire how-to guide, lesson plans and suggestions for would-be presenters. Visit www.history.com/veterans to learn more.
• Check with the Public Affairs Officer and see if there are demonstrations or field trip opportunities on base. When we were stationed at Marine Corps Air Station Yuma, the K-9 dog trainers were thrilled to show off their furry Marine’s tricks and abilities for local school children.
• Visit an area museum like the National Museum of the Air Force. Triple Ace Col C.E. “Bud” Anderson will share stories and answer questions at a special event on November.
• Anderson flew 116 missions during WWII and later became an acclaimed Fighter test pilot at Wright Patterson. Our WWII veterans are dying at a rate of about 550 a day so take this chance to shake “Bud’s” hand and say thank you.
• Team Red, White and Blue has a Dayton chapter. This non-profit organization, started and staffed by veterans and military spouses, connects civilians and military folks through physical activity like group runs, yoga classes and social gatherings. Check with the Dayton Chapter Captain for upcoming events (www.teamrwb.org).
• Most importantly, don’t forget about your own military kids. My daughters regularly ask if their dad is going to deploy again. They worry about it even though I’ve assured them it’s improbable. So this month, my husband and I will put our phones away and take them on a hike in a nearby preserve and then to their favorite noodle shop. And while we slurp spicy miso and udon, we’ll thank them for their service.

  Molly Blake is a freelance writer. Her husband recently retired after serving 20 years in the United States Marine Corps. She attended the University of Dayton and writes about issues affecting military families and other parenting issues. Follow her on twitter @mblakewrites.

The post The Modern Military Parent appeared first on Dayton Parent Magazine.

By now many of you have heard about the group calling itself the “Islamic State Hacking Division.” This group recently released a “kill list” which contained personal information including names and addresses of 100 military personnel. Immediately afterwards, many military spouses and service members shut down their social media accounts or changed their Facebook names to an obscure or snippeted portion of their name. It became a treasure hunt of sorts to try and find friends, old squadron mates or pals from the past on any social media site.

It’s unbelievable, really, that terrorist groups are targeting military folks. And while we hope these are idle threats, I still shudder to think about what would happen if ISIS decided to spread their reach via social media and go after our milkids.

Recently my teenaged babysitter, who I adore, scoffed at a mention of my posting a photo to my Facebook page. “I don’t do Facebook anymore,” she said. “No one does.” To this remark, I did a silent fist pump cheer and thought that meant there was one less social media platform to worry about for kids. But like whack-a-moles, when one social media platform dies or is retired to the land of the uncool, like MySpace or AOL, another one pops up.

“We do Instagram, Twitter and Snapchat,” she said and whipped out her phone to show me. I replied with a blank stare – the same one incidentally that I give my kids when they try to explain Minecraft to me. Snapchat and Twitter and Instagram? This doesn’t even include YouTube, which has been banned completely in our house except for the occasional glance at that cute panda sneezing video or the latest Star Wars trailer.

In the 80’s, my mother worried about my being the subject of a slam book (I was) or not being invited to the boy-girl party at the cool kid’s house (I was not). While I was in college, she fretted about me imbibing a wee bit too much and getting bad grades (no comment on either). I survived those years and should my kids come to me for advice on any of those topics, I’m an expert. But social media for our milkids in an era of kill lists and cyber threats from terrorists – how in the world are we supposed to deal with that?

Age restrictions for social media sites range in age. For Facebook, Pinterest, Tumblr and Reddit, you must be 13 to have an account. Kids age 14 can go on LinkedIn, although I cannot imagine why. The minimum age for WhatsApp is 16 and for Vine and Tinder, it’s 17. For YouTube, it’s 18 but kids 13-17 can sign up with a parent’s permission. And realistically, banning your kids from these sites will only drive them to secrecy. But we really do have to remain vigilant. These terrifying risks and online international bullying threats are a stark reminder about life as a modern military parent.

Our job as parents is to guide, monitor and teach our kids. When it comes to electronics and social media, first and foremost we must be a good example. I posted that photo on Facebook, despite the admonishment from my sitter. But then I put down the phone, paid my sitter and watched as she walked to her car – her head tipped down at her phone. Then I called out to my girls and asked them to help me with dinner. And even when my phone started blinking with likes and comments, I ignored it.

Molly Blake is a freelance writer. Her husband recently retired after serving 20 years in the United States Marine Corps. She attended the University of Dayton and writes about issues affecting military families and other parenting issues. Follow her on twitter @mblakewrites.

The post Milkids and social media appeared first on Dayton Parent Magazine.

We all know “the look.” The look our service member has when he or she is about to break some bad or unforeseen news to us. These conversations go something like this: “I’m going on a three-month training mission to 29 Palms and I’ll miss your birthday and Easter” or “Remember when I said that our deployment was scheduled to leave in May? Well, we are actually leaving in two weeks.”

This conversation might also involve the word transfer, PCS or whatever synonym your spouse chooses for “moving.” After digesting this new information and reminding yourself that it’s all part of the military voyage, you suddenly look around your kitchen and realize that besides finding a new house to live in, you have to do something with your current house. The one you bought. The one with the farmhouse sink that you absolutely adore. You could sell – or you could consider another option and become a landlord.

If this is something that might work for your situation, here are some important things to do before listing your house for rent.

1. Consider finances first. Research the most current Base Allowance for Housing (BAH link: www.defensetravel.dod.mil/site/bah.cfm) for your area as well as the going rental rates for similar properties. Spend time with your spouse going over the proposed rent, mortgage, expenses, what you will fund as landlords and whether you are going to hire a property manager.
2. Start saving now. If there’s a gap between when you move out and a renter moves in, you’ll have to cover the mortgage and expenses (insurance, water, power, etc). Have enough of a reserve to fund three to five months of payments.
3. Take high-quality, bright photos. But first, clear away the clutter, picture frames and tchotchkes from every surface including counters, end tables and windowsills. Stand on a ladder and get a shot from above, if possible. It makes the space appear larger and allows a potential renter to get a feel for the entire room. Be sure and snap the front door, backyard, the master bedroom closet and even the garage. Remember to put the toilet seat down in bathroom photos.
4. When renters come by for a look, turn on all the lights before they arrive. Open window treatments and doors to make the house look bright and inviting. Have a spreadsheet of recent monthly expenses including water, power and other city services. It’s a great way to show the renter you’ve done your homework and it will better prepare them to make an informed decision. One other tip, grab a log of pre-made cookie dough and put a few slices in the oven. Nothing smells like home more than chocolate chip cookies.
5. Keep good records. If, as a landlord, you decide to pay for pest control service or lawn maintenance, then be sure and keep your bills and receipts. Check with your accountant or tax preparer because often times, these types of expenses can be written off. Additionally, any repairs or maintenance done on the home (carpet cleaning, tree trimming, appliance upgrades) prior to the lease taking effect may also be written off.
6. Use a state-specific lease and insist that both parties sign it. This is non-negotiable. Also perform a credit check on interested folks. You can request a landlord credit check using the applicant’s name and email address. Prospective renters buy their credit report and you are given secure access directly through the credit bureau.

When in doubt, talk to a lawyer, your local Judge Advocate General (JAG), a financial advisor or a real estate professional. My husband and I are landlords and while we enjoy getting to know our renters and watching the value of our rental properties increase, being a landlord is not without its challenges. There have been middle of the night fires, air conditioners gone kaput on a Sunday during a heat wave and busted water lines – all expensive repairs. Although these types of issues may be part of the landlord experience, the advantages of renting your home can offset them. Weigh the pros and cons for your situation carefully and consider if becoming a landlord is right for you.

1. Molly Blake is a freelance writer. Her husband recently retired after serving 20 years in the United States Marine Corps. She attended the University of Dayton and writes about issues affecting military families and other parenting issues. Follow her on twitter @mblakewrites.

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